Tegile Ups the Ante in Data Lakes and Storage Pools

In our relentless effort to deliver the best storage platform for data center transformation, in an unprecedented way, Tegile has released the Ionized Paramecium Pool (IPT), which harnesses the power of large-scale storage pools and data lakes. We have patented the technology that populates these massive bodies of water with billions of paramecium. Using groundbreaking technology, each one-celled organism is given a unique object storage code and mapped in a high-performance metadata table. As data is ingested into the pool, individual paramecium are ionized, given them a one or zero value.

Performance at Scale

This large-scale data lake technology generates a single liquid path to every cell in the pool. This latency-minimizing architecture allows the storage pool to be expanded to zettabyte scale with none of the cabling, space, power or cooling challenges of traditional data centers. Tegile has already begun work with developers at Google to turn the entire Pacific Ocean into a massive data lake that would not come close to breaching capacity for thousands of years.

Private Pools

While capable of massive scale, private pools can be created at local community centers for Smart City deployment. This flexibility will allow even the smallest municipalities to transform their data centers into the most eco-friendly operations the market has ever seen.

Environmental Impact Studies

Tegile engineers spent countless hours examining the effects of pollution, evaporation, pH imbalances and freezing to paramecium ionizing. What they found is that none of these external variables impacted the paramecium from carrying their charge.

Cloud Future

Industry analysts agree that paramecium ionizing has a great future. It does not stop there. George Crump, principal analyst at Storage Switzerland, observes that there is no reason that particle ionization could not be take to airborne medium. “Someday, this technology could really mean that real clouds in the sky are storing data. This breakthrough technology is truly game changing.”

Now that we have pulled you from the water into the clouds, we wish you a happy April Fool’s Day!


2 comments on “Tegile Ups the Ante in Data Lakes and Storage Pools

  1. Sunila Rao on

    Rob,
    You had way too much fun writing that. So long as you don’t graduate to planting data into dissected pigs, we’re okay. The formaldehyde would have been a deal-breaker.

    Reply

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